 Here's a picture of a healthy family: Is it a reflection of yours?
When you are with a healthy family, you can sense aliveness, genuineness, honesty and love. Heart and soul are present as well as the head. Members listen to one another. Affection is demonstrated openly, along with pain and disapproval.
Children and parents aren’t afraid to take risks because making a mistake is a sign of growing. Each family member is a person in his or her own right: noticed, valued, loved and clearly asked to notice, value and love others.
Guidelines for balance in family life:
Protect your boundaries
Boundaries are like “emotional skin.” Our physical skin holds us together and protects our internal organs. Boundaries work much the same way in a family. A mother with a good sense of boundaries is able to relate to her child who comes home from school sad or mad. While demonstrating care and compassion, she doesn’t take on the sadness or anger and make it her own.
Get to know your children all over again
Children grow and change every
day—especially in adolescence. They evaluate ideas they have been taught and compare them with opinions of their peers. Spend time alone with each child. Invite his or her friends over. Mingle and talk with them. Find out what they’re thinking. Talk with other parents about family issues. Learn from each other.
 Learn to laugh together
When you laugh about a problem with your child, it opens up ways for you to deal with the issues that underlie the problem. Look for the humor in stressful situations.
Enjoy your children and their unique qualities
God created each of us as individuals. We need to celebrate each other’s strengths and abilities. By listening and watching, you learn wonderful things about your children and how they think. And you’ll be able to guide them into activities and projects that “fit” their interests and will provide enjoyment and success.
Pass along only good "hand-me-downs"
Many issues in life are handed down from generation to generation. They can be both good and bad. Be aware of your family history and issues like physical, sexual and emotional abuse. Tendencies toward suicide can also be handed down, sometimes for up to three generations. Positives are also “inherited.” Interest in things like gardening, astronomy and helping the less fortunate should be encouraged. Traditions can be important in family life.
Balance "control" with "support"
Use creative thinking to achieve parental control while supporting your child’s legitimate desires. “I understand you want to watch that television program, so get your pajamas on now so you can be in bed by nine.”
Express emotions appropriately
Model for your children how to handle both joy and sorrows. Let your children see you both laugh and cry. Daily hugs are as essential as food and clothing for a child. Offer praise in generous portions. And don’t let a day go by without saying “I love you.”
 Make a special time for family
Schedule a family get-together once a week with a fun activity along with time to share feelings and learn a spiritual lesson. Make at least one of your daily meals a time when you can all sit down together and share what has happened—or what you are anticipating.
Don't sacrifice everything for your children
Parents deserve a life too. In fact, healthy, whole people make better parents. Invest some time and energy in what is most important to you as a person. Then, share it with your children. Your family will be stronger and your children will understand you better.
3 danger signals of dysfunctional behavior
1. Lack of emotion:
Family members confined to a narrow range of emotional experience. Not a lot of joy—not a lot of sadness expressed. Anger may be the only emotion exhibited. Or the feeling of just becoming emotionally numb.
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2. Shortened attention span:
Children finding it hard to concentrate or showing signs of confused thinking. Check with teachers. They may be more aware of this. |
3. Super-awareness:
Feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and hyper-vigilance can mean that a child is super-aware of everything going on around him in order to feel safe. If you sense children being extra jumpy, look for unresolved stress. |
How to resolve dysfunctional issues
Parents deserve a life too. In fact, healthy, whole people make better parents. Invest some time and Work to open up the family system. Talk. Draw the child out. Allow children to create pictures if they can’t express feelings. Support children rather than ignoring them or criticizing them for their feelings.
Get outside help from a trained counselor to help emotions be expressed in a healthy manner. Rigidity, silence, denial and isolation are enemies of the healthy family.
 Don't overlook God's power
Prayer and Bible study are very good ways to gain direction in resolving family conflicts. Use these spiritual tools in combination with other principles discussed above. And don’t forget fellowship. One of God’s greatest gifts is other people who can share experiences, listen and respond. Find a fellow believer who really cares. Share one another’s burdens. Pray together. Your families will be stronger for it.
Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother ... Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:1-4, NIV
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